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Resilience
From the moment I accepted the possibility and potentials of Immortality, I was forced to question everything I believed in, everything that I was and that I am. What does living forever entail, especially in regard to psychological aspects and relationships? I have pretty much gone through all my believes, both inherited and gleaned, and retained only those aspects with eternal qualities and values. Relationships in all its forms I have found to be the most complex area.
When you strive for an infinite lifespan, change becomes the only constant in your life, because you have given up the only dead sure thing; death itself. Life is change.
Life
Still islands of hope among death and suffering.
Overwhelm me winds of change
Blow, batter, bring your might.
Will I still remain me
when all that I knew
is gone and come and gone again?
I a lonely pole in the ocean of eternity, life?
I was once asked what is the one thing I can't live without? My answer - Loving-growth. If I am not growing, I am already dying. It is only through love that we can change. Whether through a love of yourself, a love for others, a love for the earth, a love for a cause.
Why is there such fear of change? Because most people's experience of change equals pain. Yes, change does involve pain but you can bear it when you think of it as growing pains. Everyone knows that it is at the change of seasons that we are most vulnerable to illness. I am sure most people have heard the expression; "It is darkest before dawn (and coldest), The moment before birth the most dangerous."
What carries us through it? Resilience Resilience: springing back; resuming shape and size after stretching, bending, etc.; (of person) readily recovering from depression etc., buoyant " In all studies of longevity, resilience is a quality that is a requirement. Think immunity. I came across a wonderful article that summed it up for me. "Hard-hit and bouncing back" by Robyn Wilkinson "…
There are many stories of people who triumph against all odds. In direct contrast, there are those born with opportunity who makes nothing with their lives. What are the qualities that differentiate the two and why do some people keep bouncing back? Clinical psychologist Ann Masten, director of the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota, USA cites resilience as key factor. This focus on resilience is a decided shift from the obsession with damaged psyches. Therapists emphasise the legacy of pain from troubled childhoods. Although those who preach resilience don't ignore the scars left by adversity, they tend to be intrinsically optimistic, focusing on the strengths and resources that help people cope.
A powerful factor in resilient people are personality strengths that help them cope with hardship and make the best of available resources. Everyone mentions a key adult - friends, parent, grandmother or even a café' owner - with whom they forged a strong bond. Ka Myembi's key wisdom is: Your past does not define your future. Many people have hurtful pasts. Successful people are those able to move beyond them to achieve a brighter today. (Ka Myembi was abandoned as a child, and grew up in a crime-ridden area, where a survey company found in a researching the employment profile of a squatter camp, that many inhabitants unabashedly wrote "burglar" in the work description column. Bizarre as it may sound, to some it serves as a viable career option. KA Myembi is now a motivational speaker, promoting responsible behaviour.)
Psychiatrist Steven Wolin and his wife, developmental psychologist Sybil Wolin from George Washington Medical School in Washington, USA cite seven strengths contributing to resilience:
Insight Become a careful observer and rely on your own interpretation of events, not what other people tell you.
Independence Separate yourself physically and emotionally from your family's problems.
Relationships Develop close relationships to substitute the ones you couldn't achieve with those who failed you.
Initiative Become a master of your fate. Welcome challenges and set clear and realistic goals.
Creativity Learn to bring order out of confusion in a way that makes your life more pleasing.
Humour Keep your pain in perspective by finding the lighter side of your troubles.
Morality Develop a sense of compassion and concern for others with a clear sense of right and wrong.
Facing the Dark Night
I shudder and open my eyes
The darkness is coming
With dark foreboding
I face the approaching Darkness
This night,
This night is going to be the darkest coldest yet
A shiver runs through me
I want to be angry
Shout no I can't
But I know it is useless I must face the darkness
This darkness I must face
Alone
Naked
Unshielded
Unarmed
Vulnerable
Open
Fear ripples through me
As the first fingers of the darkness
Touches me
Oh, I am so afraid
But not to face this night
Would be to live the life
Of the living dead
I pass through the threshold Of fear
A calm certainty enfolds me
I must enter the darkness
With only my inner wisdom to guide
Come darkness with all you hold
I am ready
I will admit that there are often times when I think; "I can take it no more. How am I going to get through this?" I allow myself to hit rock-bottom. I go right into the darkest part of that hole. With a defiance I say; " OK lets see what you hold." And you know, I always find instead of that imagined monster, a treasure, a treasure of insight that makes me stand up and face life a new. People want assurances in their lives, but this is not possible with the only "constant being change." Times of change are turbulent with no stable ground.
As someone once said: "You have to learn to dance on a flying carpet." I will add; with the excitement of an adventurous youth."
Hi Sophia.... hope this finds you well.
I really enjoyed this piece on resiliency. In my work with troubled kids
We play with creating strength based schools and programs for these kids.
What is the "dirt" that allows resiliency to grow????
First..... The Circle of Courage-
A medicine Wheel with 4 parts:
BELONGING
MASTERY
INDEPENDENCE
GENEROSITY
What do we do in this school that creates these for kids?
2nd- The re-ed principles of Thomas Hobbs-----
l. Life is to be lived now, not in the past, and lived in the future only as a present challenge.
2. Trust between child and adult is essential...
Trust is the glue that holds teaching and learning together .... The first step in the reeducation process is to help the young person make a new and very important distinction that adults can be counted on as predictable sources of support, understanding and affection.
3. Competence makes a difference, and children and adolescents should be helped to be good at something, and especially at schoolwork.
School is near the center of a child's life and that is the natural fulcrum for efforts to help children in trouble .... We regard it as sound strategy to attack directly the problem of adequacy in school, for its intrinsic value as well as for its indirect effect on the young person's perception of his worth, and his acceptance by people who are important in his world.
4. Time is an ally, working on the side of growth in a period of development when life has a tremendous forward thrust.
A broken bone knits more rapidly at six and sixteen than at sixty; we assume a comparable vitality in the psychological domain. Reeducation may simply speed up a process that would occur in an unknown percentage of children anyway.
5. Self-control can be taught and children and adolescents helped to manage their behavior without the development of psychodynamic insight.
Children and adolescents get rejected in large part because of identifiable behaviors that are regarded as unacceptable by family, friends, school or community .... A first step in this process is to help them unlearn particular habits that keep high the probability that they will be rejected by people whose support they must have if they are to grow.
6. Intelligence can be taught. Intelligence is a dynamic, evolving, and malleable capacity for making good choices in living.
Children and adolescents coming into a Re-ED program frequently have deficits in both concepts and in problem-solving ability .... The program provides many formal experiences in problem solving-- especially in interpersonal relationships with other people, about their futures.
7. Feelings should be nurtured, shared spontaneously, controlled when necessary, expressed when too long repressed, and explored with trusted others ....
Positive feelings are important, too. The simple joy of companionship is encouraged. We are impressed by the meaningfulness of friendships and how long they endure ....
8. The group is very important to young people, and it can become a major source of instruction in growing up.
When a group is functioning well, it is difficult for an individual student to behave in a disturbing way. Even when the group is functioning poorly, the frictions and the failures can be used constructively .... discussion of difficulties or planning of activities can be a most maturing experience.
9. Ceremony and ritual give order, stability, and confidence to troubled children and adolescents, whose lives are often in considerable disarray.
10. The body is the armature of the self, the physical self around which the psychological self is constructed.
11. Communities are important for children and youth, but the uses and benefits of community must be experienced to be learned.
Many children and adolescents who are referred to our schools come from families that are alienated or detached from community life .... Re-ED programs for adolescents have worked out dozens of ways for students to participate in community projects ... distributing boxes of food and toys to needy families at Christmas, gathering migrating birds injured by flying into a television tower at night and taking the birds to a shelter, participating in a neighborhood clean-up day, and so on.
12. A child should know some joy in each day and look forward to some joyous event for the morrow.
There is an extensive literature on anxiety, guilt and dread, but little that is well developed on joy. We thus go beyond most contemporary psychology to touch one of the most vital areas of human experience. We try to become skillful at developing joy ....
Not a bad way to live with anybody :)
Be well Sophia........ mike
Mike, what a wonderful post! I would love you to discuss more of the
aspects of joy. We live in a society that is so materialistically based,
that the experience of joy has become very superficial.
Hey Sophia…. Good to see you back here!!!
“the lived experience of coping with a life of horrifying meaninglessness, hopelessness, and lovelessness.”
The components, dirt if you will, are the basic needs of all humans. It is the systematic creation of…… ENVIRONMENTS OF RESPECT.
“Education is not the piling on of learning, information, data, facts, skills or abilities, that’s training or instruction- but is rather making visible what is hidden as a seed.”
“Man ultimately decides for himself and in the end, education must be education towards the ability to decide.”
( Victor Frankl )
" CONSISTENCY is the key component when working with troubled kids. But consistency is far more than just a rigid application of rules. What troubled children need consistently is to feel your openness and caring, your heart touching theirs." ( L. Tobin )
How do you know that you are creating joy??? It is easy with children.... you will see them smiling and hear them laughing and gigling....
Question for all adults out there...... Do you smile, laugh and giggle much???
Be well..... mike
