For The Fear of Snakes

"Dangers are relative, over time and distance. Fear is relative, whether it menaces a multitude or a single life, but it always demands the same answers; a yes or a no. Capitulate within oneself, or refuse to submit to attrition; fear eats the soul." Nadine Gordimer

As a child I had a phobia of snakes. It was so bad that I could not even look at a picture of a snake. I was brought up in a conservative Orthodox Christian environment where the snake was a symbol of evil. The first thing you become aware of as a girl-child is that you as a female are somehow responsible for the suffering of mankind. For just being a woman I was lumped with the quilt of bringing sin and death to humanity.

Genesis 3:15-16 "And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed… Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be thy husband, and he shall rule over thee" With those words I was condemned to a life of quilt, sorrow and subjugation."

 This was my bedtime story. When I was in a rebellious mood against my fate, my mother told me sadly; " A Women must always be the lesser". "I shall never get married, never have children and never die, that will be my revenge." I pledged myself. Why did God make snakes if he knew women were so easily seduced? Everything in me shouted at the unfairness of my sentence and somehow the snake, my mortal enemy, was to blame for my fate.

Often I have heard it said: "You attract what you fear." Wherever I went, I found a snake. Once I strepped in what I thought was an old piece of coiled wire. As I kicked it off my ankle, I saw instead of the piece of wire flying through the air, a snake. Going to bed at night was a painful routine. First I looked under my bed then I smoothed the bedding from top to bottom to make sure there was no strange lump there. I would turn the light off and with one mighty leap, jump straight into bed so that I could not step on a snake in the dark.

Then the dreaming would begin. Night after night, I had dreams of a barren world covered in nothing but mud and snakes. (Like the Indiana Jones' snake pit.) Even the trees had snakes instead of leaves. I had to walk across the snakes and often as I started to walk, I would sink between the snakes and the mud to a world below. This world of red mud was inhabited by beings, half snake/half human. I was very scared. These snake nightmares continued until one night I had a different dream. I was standing in a field of tall dry wintergrass. The environment I most feared walking in, for you cannot see a snake in the grass. I could feel the presence of a snake. A man appeared, the classic image of the sage, white robed with a long white beard and hair. " Fear not the snake, for he is as much part of nature as you are, become one with nature and he will not harm you." he said. I felt a warm breeze on my skin, and in its caress I felt my fear drain away. I could walk fearlessly through the grass, experiencing the freedom in the touch of the grass, the warmth of the sun, the breath of the wind. The snake slithered away to find a comfortable spot on a sun-warmed rock.

Slowly it dawned on me that there is no evil over which you have no control, helplessly at the mercy of. The root of my fear must lie within myself, "Know thy enemy, know thyself." Soon after the snake in the grass dream, I was presented with the opportunity to stroke a python. No longer did I have the snake dreams; no longer was the snake the symbol of the devil incarnated, but part of nature. I was ready to stroke the python. I was still afraid of snakes, but I was determined to break the curse I was born with. I expected the touch of the snake's skin to be slimy and smooth, instead it was dry and rough. I stroked it and could feel the immense strength that lay latent under the scales. Ironic it should have been a Striper's dance partner.

 "… Eve wanted to know, and in order to do that she first had to experience." Caitlin Matthews; Sophia, Goddess of Wisdom At this time I became aware of a deep yearning inside myself. My dreams of snakes were replaced by dreams of haunting and it was dark. Some nights the moon shone bright and full and at other times it was dark. What is life in a world where death and suffering reigns?

Becoming a woman was a traumatic experience for me. Now the 'curse' has well and truly struck. I had to accept that I was a woman, with the traditions attached with being a woman in a conservative environment. There were some things I could do as a woman and many things I could not. I had to except my fate. I cried the whole day, my life was over. The snake became a personal symbol for my fears. The deep yearnings I felt I kept to myself and told no one. I excepted Christianity and became a model Christian, excelling in bible study. But I was not exactly an orthodox Christian. I was not like other children and I knew not to speak of what I could feel and knew that others could not. Christians did not believe in a goddess, Christians did not remember they lived before. I kept it absolutely hidden. I really tried to be a good Christian in every sense that included remaining a virgin. (Partly because I feared the subjugation that having children would mean.) But inside I was tormented and it reflected in my dreams. I became obsessed with death and longed for the oblivion I hoped it would bring, so that life would no longer torment me. "That which is denied wrecks havoc".

I was about seventeen years old, when my Christian phase came to an abrupt end. I went to our church's confirmation camp, expecting spiritual illumination. I was shocked to find that it was the furthest thing from everyone else's mind. Smoking and drinking behind the dunes, couples disappearing into the night. I then saw the hypocrisy that existed. I went to my confirmation dressed in white, just to get the certificate and to please my parents. But I never went to church again, except for funerals and weddings of others.

I then began my journey to find alternatives. Beliefs that did not need fear to keep their believers in tow. To find the root of my own fear, and so to find that which will fulfil my yearning. If the snake is not the Satan incarnated, then what was it. I was surprised to learn that in most other cultures the snake did not embody sin and death, but rather the creative and transformative forces; sexuality, psychic, reproduction, healing, alchemy and immortality. The well-known Caduceus symbol was originally associated with Thoth/Hermes, the father of Alchemy. The symbology of the two snakes intertwining around a sword/wand represented healing. Further it was said to represent the complete understanding and acceptance of the male and female within each organism that creates fusion of the two into one, thereby producing a transmuting energy. " If we feed our demon anger and frustration it will continue to bother us; if we feed it love and compassion, it will evolve. By loving the demon, it melts. The tension is in the duality and pushing the demons, away makes more suffering…Eventually through love and compassion, the demons evolve and are liberated." Tibetan Buddhist teacher Tsultrim Alliane

I only came to terms with my fear of snakes, the day I had to rescue a snake out of a pit. It was raining heavily and I was just on my way in when I saw the snake struggling to get out. The pit was fast filling up with water. If I left it, it would drown. How am I going to get it out without getting bitten? My mortal enemy's life was in my hands. I was however, not sure whether that particular snake was the poisonous kind or not. I just could not walk away knowing I am leaving it to drown. Love dissolves fear. I found a very long stick. I let it curl around the stick and swiftly launched it out of the hole, then I ran just in case it strikes at me in its fear. Once the pounding in my heart stopped, I felt joy. I embraced my fear.

To love unconditionally is to be fearless. Siegfried the Hero had no fear of dragons or another's sword. He longed to know what fear was. The following is from the moment he gazed upon Brunnhilde, after removing her helmet and breastplate

Arthur Rackham

"That is no man! Magical rapture Pierces my heart; Fixed is my gaze,
Burning with terror; I reel, my heart feels faint and fails!
On whom shall I call, For aid imploring?
Mother! Mother! Remember me!
How waken the maid, Causing her eyelids to open?
Her eyelids to open?
What if her gaze strike me blind!
How shall I dare To look on their light?
All rocks and sways And swirls and revolves;
Uttermost longing Burns and consumes me;
My hand on my heart, Trembles and shakes!
What ails thee, coward?
Is this what fear means?
O mother! Mother! Thy dauntless child!
A woman lying asleep Has taught him what fear is at last!
How conquer my fear?
How brace my heart"

From Siegfried and the Twilight of the Gods - Richard Wagner.

Ironic that the very thing that dissolves fear, causes such fear in the hearts of so many.

tags: fear  womens  snakes  issues  spiritual